Obsessed With "Obsession"

Don’t make the relatively simple act of meeting and getting to know people harder than it needs to be.

How can you say ‘no’ to this face?

Rob Henderson discusses the box office smash-hit Obsession and the implications it has for relationships between men and women in America:

But it is no shlocky horror flick. I saw it over the weekend and found it to be a surprisingly deep film. At heart, it’s a morality tale for today’s aggrieved young men — a story about male cowardice, female desperation and the nightmare of getting exactly what you asked for. A fitting fable for our social-media age.

First, you have to understand the idea that the film keeps circling around, one that has absolutely nothing to do with the supernatural: a man wants to be wanted more than he wants the object of his desire. It’s an idea that echoes the words of the looksmaxxing influencer “Clavicular”, who has said that knowing he could have sex with a woman is better than actually having sex with her.

I saw Obsession - it was excellent and well-deserving of both praise and box office success. It was so effective a film that hardly anyone laughed throughout the movie, even at parts I thought would elicit laughter. Other viewers reported different experiences, but this was mine: Obsession was incredibly uncomfortable to watch. It wasn’t, but it was like a demonic possession film, in fact working more effectively than films explicitly of the genre.

I have to say the social commentary was a bit lost in the din for me, personally. To me, it was more of a straightforward lesson in being careful what you wish for, that what you don’t work for, what you risk nothing for, ultimately means nothing, and can in fact become problematic for you. Then again, I’m a simple-minded man. The film has, unfortunately, been hijacked by radical feminists who think only their interpretation of the film is correct, that no other interpretation matters.

It’s funny, because radical feminists tend to be artsy folk and art is open to interpretation. The lesson here is that extremists, regardless of motivation, are by definition close-minded. My suggestion to everyone else: if you don’t consider yourself an extremist, be open-minded when it comes to art. The fact that everyone has a different interpretation is part of the fun.

Back to the lecture at hand. I was a little surprised at Henderson’s commentary on the film:

The film portrays Bear as a weak and pathetic man from the very beginning. He doesn’t have the courage to ask Nikki out, even when Nikki directly gives him the chance to do so. Bear’s internal frailty appears again when he is trying to decide how he should kill himself. He picks up a gun but backs out, opting to swallow a handful of pills instead.

You keep thinking: if Bear had simply told Nikki he liked her right from the start, none of this would have happened. The main male character of this film was more terrified of asking a woman out than he was of being in a relationship with a murderous woman who feeds him his own cat.

I found this harsh, especially coming from someone who’s sympathetic to the plight of young men in today’s society. Maybe it’s because I identified with the Bear character, because I’ve been where he’s at and remain so. But dating has become so complicated in today’s world that it’s no longer just a simple matter of asking someone out or just talk to her, bro.

Both men and women are scrutinized to a degree like never before. Since the onus of initiation still rests with men, however, men are subject to more scrutiny than women. That’s just a fact. Men are selling, women are buying. Since so much of our self-worth is tied into whether love interests will reciprocate that interest, the risks involved in rejection are so much higher than before. A man’s value goes down with every rejection, to say nothing of the fact women are more wary of men than ever before. If you don’t believe me, ask any random woman if they’d ever date a man who’s never been in a relationship before. The predictable response is the most likely one.

From a coldly objective standpoint, men’s fear of rejection may seem irrational. I have to admit it does - I’ll do things that could result in death or great bodily harm with great confidence while the thought of asking a woman out, which entails no risk to life or limb, shatters my confidence. It doesn’t make sense. But humans aren’t entirely rational creatures. We’re emotional creatures, social creatures. Being rejected by someone negatively affects us emotionally, along with our social standing. That’s because rejections are wholly personal. If they’re not rejecting a person, then what are they rejecting?

More Henderson:

According to research project DatePsychology, more than half of men aged 18 to 25 have not once gone up to a woman to ask her out in the past year, even though three quarters of women the same age say they want to be approached more often. Which is probably why this film could only be made by a 26-year-old Gen Zer who fears what will happen when men fail to act and resort to dreams and wishes and magical fantasies.

The lesson of the movie? If you like someone, just ask them out.

Again, he seems to have forgotten why so many men now struggle with asking women out. One other big reason is that it’s just not easy to socialize anymore. In addition to being heavily scrutinized, even the most casual of social relations are now under constant assessment. Young men especially have been programmed to be hyper-aware at all times of everything they say and do during an interaction, so this leads to an awful lot of awkwardness, which further turns off young women. Not all men struggle, of course, but many do.

You can tell a young man to not overthink things when socializing with women, but this is a lot to ask given that he’s been told his whole life to think about everything he’s going to say and do before opening his mouth or taking action, to fully assess how his actions and words might be perceived ahead of time. Analysis-by-paralysis, as it were. Then when a young man struggles to find romantic relationships, the advice is always, Don’t overthink it. Just say the first thing that comes to mind. If you can’t understand how none of this makes sense, you’re in a cult.

To ask someone out, you need to get to know them first. It’s the getting to know part that so many young men struggle with. Sure, there’s work for them to do. But young women must also be open to be being approached by men, and to not treat every interaction like it’s the last one they’re going to have. I might be overstating it a bit, but many women do think and act this way, because that’s what they’ve been programmed to do. Young Americans today are likely the most programmed generation in history.

It’s not enough to just get men to be more forthright with women. Men need to have some assurance that asking a woman out doesn’t carry the risk of disproportionate cost. One reason why millions of Americans play the lottery despite little hope of winning any substantial prize is because it’s a low-risk, high-reward proposition. Show me the incentive, I’ll show you the result. I think the “lotto curse” is also a real thing, stemming from the fact that it’s entirely a matter of luck and the fact winners ultimately risk very little by playing the lottery.

Again, proportionality is what’s important here. If a man so much as feels he must risk everything, especially his reputation and sense of self-worth, when he asks a woman out, that’s going to be a tough ask. No, men aren’t entitled to a “yes” from women. Some men really do need to get their urges under control.

But if women are truly interested in relationships, if they want to be asked out, they need to help make things easier for men, instead of always expecting them to “get the hint” or “read the room.” Otherwise, there should be no surprise there exists such a stark disconnect between the sexes.

The real work begins during the relationship, anyway. Don’t make the relatively simple act of meeting and getting to know people harder than it needs to be.

I think Obsession has a lot of useful commentary for today’s society, which makes it all the more unfortunate extremist feminists are trying to hijack the film’s message for themselves in their never-ending quest to make villains out of men. The feminist consensus seems to be that the protagonist, Bear, is actually the villain, that he was acting selfishly, with the cruelest intentions in mind.

If you’re an ideological thinker, sure, I can understand why you might feel this way. However, protagonists aren’t necessarily supposed to be morally righteous characters. There are endless examples of movies and television series where the protagonist isn’t a morally upright person. Being a protagonist simply means you’re the character the audience is supposed to empathize or identify with. A person can disagree with Bear’s actions while still being emotionally invested in things working out for the character in the end. Clearly, those who’ve turned empathy into a political ideology are the ones most lacking in it.

The presumption that Bear should’ve known the consequences of his decisions is equally absurd. It goes against demonstrable human behavior, including by the character’s critics. It’s pretty obvious Bear made an impulsive choice out of sheer desperation and to suggest he did so with malicious premeditation is a deliberate misreading of the story. Most of us don’t think entirely through every little choice we make. We know what we want and we pursue it in the way we think best or makes most sense to us. But when your objective is to make a villain out of Bear, of course the story has to be rewritten to fit the narrative.

Ultimately, I still think Obsession is a lesson in how something given not only ultimately has no value, but it’s not up to the given to dictate the terms of exchange. To look at it in economically pragmatic terms, you have no say in anything you didn’t pay for. There’s no such thing as a free lunch; even if there’s no catch nor strings attached, what’s given for free can also be taken away at will.

Finally, someone always pays. In Obsession, it was a girl who had no say in the matter, who ends up a prisoner in her own body. If that troubles your conscience - as it should - then put in the effort and never leave it up to anyone else to make your dreams come true.

What about you? Did you see Obsession? What was your reaction to it? Does it have any useful lessons to offer? Talk about it in the comments section.

Max Remington writes about armed conflict and prepping. Follow him on Twitter at @AgentMax90.

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